Friday, 3 May 2013

When the sun came out, so did they (along with an onslaught of self-pity)

I'd forgotten how sheltering the icy embrace of winter could feel. We had a long, cold, and in many ways miserable winter this year; which meant that except for the intrepid dog walkers in our neighbourhood, everyone pretty much stayed indoors.

But this last week has been beautiful, sunshiny, balmy.

And with that lovely weather, an army of happy young families have emerged from hibernation. Beautiful little children squeal as they learn to ride their bikes. Soft, mewling, wide-eyed infants discover the world outside as they are wheeled past in strollers pushed by laughing moms. Heavy winter coats are discarded to reveal swollen, mesmerising pregnant bellies.

And here we sit. Watching it all go by.

Spring is in full swing and today I am feeling further than ever from our hoped-for changes in 2013. I'm tired. Isn't spring supposed to be rejuvenating?

S's anniversary is fast approaching, and as with previous years, I suspect the anticipation will be worse than the actual day itself ( the 17th, when we always try to find something special and peaceful to do). Still, the grief is weighing heavy on me right now. It's hard not to take stock, look back over the last three years, and wonder what they have brought. Some things are better, clearer, but mostly we have the same uncertainties as before. The same feeling of being stalled while everyone else goes on with their lives. I'm fairly certain that, as far as S goes, we are amongst the only ones who even remember anymore.

And what about project sibling? Well, we are (finally) really happy with our current care, and have pretty much decided that we'll move forward with this clinic. Obviously that's a good thing in and of itself, but it also means that we'll be left in limbo with everything else that much longer. H can't actively pursue any of the job leads he's been feeling out, each of which which would surely involve a big move (out of region, or even out of country). Not that there are so many leads to be had these days. We don't seem to have much luck in that department either. That likely means that come September, we'll have to take whatever jobs come our way and put the career advancement, (not to say the putting down roots somewhere), on hold indefinitely. 

Something funny also happened to me psychologically once we got on the ART train: I think I gave up any hope (illusion?) I had previously held that our bodies might ever do this on their own. Even though accepting a doctor's advice - starting with medicated cycles and then moving straight to IVF - has in no way altered the brute biology that we've been dealing with all along, I feel like in acknowledging the situation, my very organs have closed shop and left the building. (Perhaps now is the time to find reassurance in the doctor's oh-so-heartening opinion of my multiple conceptions/losses?). Totally, wildly irrational, I know. But there you have it. Though on the plus side, I'm not even thinking in terms of a two week wait anymore, and there is a certain liberation in that I guess.

So. yeah. Everyone seems to be thrilled that this fine weather has at last arrived. I don't blame them, I just don't much feel a part of their forward looking ebullience right now.

I am well aware of the narcissistic depths of my self-pity here, but....When  is anything good going to happen for us? Don't we get a turn? It just feels like no matter how hard we work to make things better, no matter how much we try to go on being optimistic and hoping our big break is around the next corner (a pregnancy to hope for, a career break, the resolution of our immigration issues) nothing much changes.

I'm sorry I'm being such a Debbie Downer. I know it's just a bad week day (please let it only be a day). It'll pass and I'll be back to my usual sass, finding something to be excited and hopeful about. 

But now? As the sun shines, I'll be wearing my sunglasses. Not just to keep out the glare of the sun, (or to disguise the rogue crying jags that seem to strike from nowhere), but also that of all those shiny happy people who seem to have come out of the woodwork.


Spring is in the air, if not in my step.

30 comments:

  1. I'm right there with you. Our loss anniversary starts today--they day we found out there was no heartbeat--and continues through Sunday (the day the physical loss happened). With Mothers Day right around the corner, this is an especially difficult time for me. Spring doesn't have that flavor of renewal and new life for me. I can't imagine feeling any different, but I hope one day we can both approach spring with a bit more happiness.

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    1. It is hard to be faced with all the beautiful symbolism of the season when all it does for you is serve as a reminder of your sadness. I understand my friend. And I am sorry your little one couldn't stay with you. Thinking of you in these difficult days.

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  2. I feel exactly the same way about acknowledging my situation somehow having an affect on my body's ability to "do the job" on its own. Agreeing to do an IUI today, to me, felt like giving my body permission to sit back & let the doctors take over.
    Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Of course the anniversary of losing S will always be hard, and I can see how it seems little has changed for you. I do hope that this journey to motherhood doesn't last too much longer for you, and that at the end of it, these hard days will seem worth it. Until then, keep those sunglasses on if you need them!

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    1. It feels like a double-edged sword sometimes. On the one hand, I am not stressing so much, and when my period arrived I didn't have a meltdown. At the same time, I worry this means I am letting go of hope...
      As much as it sometimes feels nothing has changed, I have te rmind myself how much we've grown and how strong we've become (even if I'd rather be weak and and ungrown and parenting a living baby right now!). Thank you for the support.

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  3. You're not a Debbie Downer. You are dealing as best as you can with the crappy situation that you've been dealt. You are a mama grieving your sweet baby, and hoping for the future that you thought you'd have when you get to bring a baby home from the hospital.

    I get mixed feelings about the Spring weather. Some days it feels rejuvenating. Some days I really would like nothing more than to punch it in the face.

    You are not alone xx

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    1. Thank you Lisa. I know you get all of it, and I hate that you get it. It's crappy and we have to keep figuring it out each day. I get those manic reactions too: one day feeling really lifted by the warmth of the sun and the hope it brings, and others...well, I love the way you express it!

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  4. You and I are very much alike. Always looking for the silver lining, which I think is a great way to live life. However, we are only human and we are entitled to our bad days (and weeks) too. I hope you get your turn soon:).

    Whenever I am having a bad day, I think back to all the times when my life took a sharp turn for the better in the matter of one day. It feels like life can go trucking along the same, the same, the same and then out of nowhere BAM! your life changes in an instant and you are never the same. That will happen for us again.

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    1. I don't know how to do anything different, because what would the alternative be? I'm a fighter whether I like it or not!
      I so much hope that the flukey good luck is right around a nearby corner, waiting for both of us. Thanks for the reminder.

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  5. I agree with your sentiments about ART. For me it just seems really hard to hold out hope when little perfect preformed embryos are literally inserted into my ute and still...nothing.
    Sending you a hope hug.

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    1. I know that after all the unsuccessful attempts we've had on our own, there is still always the chance that we'll go through with all the ART stuff and still end up with no baby. And I try to hold that possibility in my heart at all times too, not because I'm looking to the worst, but because I need to know that I'll make the best of it and find a way to be happy no matter what the future holds for me. Of course I hope we'll both be holding babies sooner than later. Hugs back to you.

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  6. I don't think you're a debbie downer- and what you're feeling is completely understandable, and normal.

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    1. You're right. I sometimes have a tendency to think I should be 'fixed' now, even though I get angry with others for suggesting that. I'm better for sure, but I'll never be the same as I was. Thanks for understanding, and for reminding me that it's all ok.

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  7. I'm with Lisa - I want to punch some of that sunny weather in the face sometimes! And those people, who seem to be able to snap their fingers and have healthy babies...

    But...but. It is beautiful, and I'm glad I am a part of all that life awakening outside.

    I feel those mixed feelings with you (my due date is fast approaching, making Spring all the more complicated. Part of my clung onto that freezing snow we had...)

    xxx

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    1. Oh Nomi, I'll be thinking of you and Lyra asd your due date approaches. That is so hard. Sending you many hugs my friend. I hope you are able to feel some comfort in the beauty around you.

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  8. I'm totally with you on this one...

    I swear if I see one more happy pregnant mommy pushing a stroller, I'm moving to Antarctica!

    ((HUGS))

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    1. Totally! I'm much better now (mostly), but in the first year I really went through a phase of wanting to become a hermit. I think it gets easier over time. Thinking of you and sweet Gabriel, Catherine. Your support means so much. Thank you.

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  9. You're allowed to have down weeks. I'm sorry for the pain and grief you experience this time of you. I am happy that you found a clinic you are comfortable moving forward with. That is so important!

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    1. Thanks for the reminder Jessah, it always helps somehow to be validated by others who understand. I'm trying to focus on the promising things we have ahead of us, and you're right, we're really lucky to have a clinic where we are getting great care!

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  10. You wrote that you feel stalled, while everyone else goes on with their lives. Stalled is the perfect description. You nailed it. Like you, spring is causing a bit of a panic. Sometimes, I need to get really down before I find the resolve to get back up again.

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    1. I'm just like that too Eve; I have to really let it all hang out in my funk before I can kick myself in the ass and fight my way back up up up...which I always do. I truly hope neither of us are stalled for much longer.

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  11. You know I feel much the same way--and not just about the ART crazy-train. I hope that means it's normal, but either way, you're not alone.

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    1. I don't know if we're 'normal' (whatever that means), but I can scarcely think of kinder, funnier, stronger more loving company that I could keep. Thanks for being there. I'm sure we won't feel like this forever.

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  12. Nodding along with what you describe here. With the sunny weather they all come out at once it seems. Some days are harder than others. Sunglasses - I remember I used them all the time last spring/summer for this reason, and I have a feeling there will be a period for that this year as well. it's all so hard and unfair. Thinking of you my friend and sending hugs.

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    1. Hard and unfair and random. I'm sorry you are able to relate as well as you can my dear Marwil, but you're right, some days are better than others and there doesn't seem to be any pattern, any preparations you can make. Thinking of you too and returning those hugs!

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  13. Spring can be such a brutal time of year. All those trees and plants bursting into bloom, not to mention all the pregnant ladies stutting their stuff in their new maternity frocks. It's hard and it sucks, I hope that it get's a little easier for you in the next few days.

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    1. I'm slowly crawling out! Thanks for understanding Ana, this is obviously a tricky one for many of us, and not for the first time, I am grateful to have such companionship on this crappy journey, though I wish none of us had to be here.

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  14. Lady, I can completely relate. Prior to infertility/loss, I use to love Spring. Even now, it's bittersweet. If I had a way to look into the future and tell you that exactly how everything (family and job related) would work out, I would share that knowledge with you in a heartbeat. What can I do is tell you that somehow, someway, it will all be okay. That there will come a day when you and H will look back on all of this and say "damn, that was terrible, but look at all we've done together and what we've overcome."

    Returning all the love and warm you've given to me 100 fold and hoping that 2013 is still a year of change for you guys.

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    1. Thank you Cristy, your words of encouragement mean more than you can know. I know that you get it, and I'm grateful for your presence. You're right, 2013 isn't a rightoff yet, and it'll all be ok somehow. It always is, but it gives me strength to be reminded every once in a while.

      So much love to you and the Beats!

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  15. Just thinking of you. I know it sucks. You're not narcissistic -- if you were you wouldn't have described yourself that way! (It's true!) Anyway, your blog, your feelings. You're not a downer. (And if you were, you'd be in excellent company.) <3

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    1. It's the company that keeps me going some days! Thanks so much for your thoughts and your presence here Lauren. It sucks but somehow it always gets better eventually.

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